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Monday. 3.30.20 1:51 am
I hope you've been doing well considering the world's in a much very different state right now.
I, myself, haven't worked in two weeks and probably won't for another month depending. It's okay though, I'm very lucky to be financially ready and get to spend my days with my wonderful, patient girlfriend who works from home.
I haven't had this much time on my hands since summer vacations before college. I've spent a great deal of it reading and cooking.
Mostly, here's what's been going on in my head:
Back when I left for a new city on my own, I detached myself so much that I created a rift between my old self and the present person. So on top of having a different name, I used the detachment to succeed in therapy with my present self before addressing the past self. There were no forced personality differences, my explanation is that my previous name held a lot of difficult attachments, guilt, and stress.
For the sake of simplicity, I'll clarify those two with names.
"Hi, I'm Val," is what I would say now.
I was previously called "Kevin" and I don't mind being called by that if that's the name you knew me as.
This past year was the first year that I felt fully healthy again. I have a difficult time reintroducing myself to my old friends because of this lengthy explanation. I started by first visiting Charleston a few times this past year.
My plan was to mend the gap between "Val" and "Kevin." I planned to do so by revisiting old memories and making new ones. Along the way, I saw as many friends as I could. They would ask, "Hey I saw you have a different Facebook name. What's up with that?" And I would explain because I'm no longer ashamed to share.
Whichever name, I am the same person and no longer need to detach or partition parts of myself. And with that, these days I'm finding that my old passions and hobbies return.
I find myself writing again and I find myself with the drive for life I had when I was younger.
Saturday. 9.21.19 4:15 am
I think it's funny that I was the least person likely to do this but a few years ago, I sold most of my stuff, packed two suitcases, took a job on a vineyard, and moved to a new city in a new country by myself.
And although, I'll often say that it was to chase my dream, that's only half true. The other part was to see what I was like without anyone else's influence. I chose a different name and stuck with it as I moved on to another city.
Starting over got easier, two suitcases turned to one, and naturally I spent a lot of time on my own.
In time, I learned how codependent I had been during and after college. This realization spurred regular visits to a therapist and some revelations about some defining relationships. I was lost to my guilt for some time. I started dialectical behavior therapy. It was slow to take on but after a year, I started to apply it with success.
And that's how my life turned around.
Side note, it's about fucking time. I'm almost 30.
Silver Service, northbound
Tuesday. 3.8.16 12:01 am
I turned 25 in October.
With some help after I left my college city, I have a job that has me up and down the east coast.
I'm on a train bound for Boston tonight. Silly enough, I used to day dream I'd look like a feature on GQ if I had a job like this. But I've settled into a thick, water proof coat, baseball cap, and sturdy duffel bag for travel. I actually think traveling light means I forget less when packing.
I don't think I ever imagined being where I am today. I'm currently establishing a network to work at a vineyard so I can eventually go back to school for viticulture. Very late into college, I found a sort of passion with science in wine production. It really gets me talking.
It's just quieter than I had expected.
Friends scattered to the wind, old friends lost in part due to my own mistakes I think up apologies for.
"Sorry I sucked as a friend from dd/mm/yy to the last time we talked. Things got rough and I turned inward rather than toward my support, my friends" is a common one. Sorry doesn't say you miss someone though. Nor does it excuse under appreciation.
And I chose a longer path I guess. It hit home at the weddings I've attended in the past months. It strikes me as simply wanting to feel like I belong someplace. And maybe it's a fool's errand since it's more a state of mind. But I know I've felt it before; it's an absolute content with the universe.
What I want to say outright is that I'm saddling up for the long haul. And my mind's often thinking about from where I've come and what I can only describe as a phantom limb.
Sunday. 6.17.12 7:17 am
So hey there again.
My desire to write anything has been minimal lately. And I end up feeling like whatever I write ends up being a kind of front for what I've really wanted to talk about.
I've begun working as an SA (Servers Assistant) at this locally renown restaurant in Charleston. With the same job I had last summer, it's not a bad night time gig to make extra money toward this summer's goal (see end of post). I've worked there for maybe two months now.
The other night, I was hitching a ride from my coworker, Ben, since I had walked to work that day, and we started talking about the wedding reception the restaurant was holding the next day, which was last night.
Ben said something on the lines of:
"You know, I'd like for once to be one of the guys who takes a girl to dinner to our restaurant. Sit and talk for hours, that sort of thing." (My coworker hasn't seen a night off from this job and his other in a few weeks)
I agree, it's something I want to do with someone who appreciates that sort of thing. And I never did quite appreciate the notion before, which baffles me. I want to feel time suspended with someone and then seemingly accelerated as it catches up to the world we took an absence from.
Ben judged the Miss South Carolina pageant last night instead of working the wedding, the lucky bastard. Not that I'd want to take his place -- I don't exactly have an affinity for judging qualities in pageants.
The wedding reception turned out rather well. Being paid to walk around with trays of food, drink wine discretely, eat food not so discretely, and waiting in the presence of young, wholesome women is always a treat -- but there's a line of course.
--side note: the DJ played "Shout" as the last song and one of the servers snuck his way into the crowd of dancing guests and danced alongside them while a few of us watched in complete amusement. :3
I suppose looking on during the bride and groom dance melted me a little. And I suppose it was because of the event that I started thinking again about whether this job was going to really pay off in the end. Whether working five nights a week was really worth it. And understandably, I don't think so. Ben and I spoke about was getting out of the foodbev industry and we're reasonable about doing so. I think I'd rather earn less but have more time for myself and other fancies at this point in my life.
To be incredibly honest, I've used working late nights as an excuse not to pursue a steady relationship. And the reason is that I needed to be sure that I had a mental reference to independent living. To be a healthy individual and know what it takes to be career driven. I think that's a reasonable goal.
But you know what's a semi-reasonable goal?
Will be my first large purchase independent of my parents. WOO! :D After.. I learn how to ride one.
Monday. 2.6.12 2:37 am
Things have changed.
I've avoided posting anything until I was certain that I was an adequate state of mind. I am now. I'm more capable in mind and body than I have ever been, and it's incredibly empowering.
To sum it up, I'm single now. I've learned how incredibly fragile my life had become. The hard way. So I'm building it back up with some solid structure and some pretty basic ground rules. Mostly about making sure that I respect myself enough to be selfish when I should be, and step up to bat when the moment arises.
Speaking of such a moment. About a weekend ago I happened to run into this girl I've been interested in on a Friday night. I was returning from a night out and she was doing the same. I saw immediately that she was distressed and found out that she had been taking care of her drunk friend that night who hits on her when he's in that state. I walk her back into her apartment building and I'm talking to her in the hallway when her drunk friend walks in (he lives in the same building). He tries to coax her into coming up to his place with him and she refuses. He tries again this time by pulling her arm and I say something along the lines of "Hey. She wants to stay here." The guy lets go of her and stumbles over toward me. If his eyes hadn't been half-closed it would have been more serious but I didn't really move from where I was. He got close. Uncomfortable eye to eye close where I wasn't even worried about him trying to throw a punch or anything. I wasn't about to get into a fight with her friend. He backed off and mumbled while heading upstairs. I then took her on a walk to get her mind off the whole thing and had a great time at like 3 AM in the morning.
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